Many of you are my friends on Facebook, twitter, and in real life, so my blogging absence probably hasn't been too noticeable. I have been going through such a trying time since November, I practically swore off this thing forever. I hurt my knee so badly, I suffered such a setback, and I sank into a terrible depression for about 3 months. My feelings are somewhat ongoing, and I am overwhelmed with a lack of being able to control my mood swings or my eating habits once I give in to a "cheat meal." It's like I think I'm eating the last cookies in existence, so I have to enjoy them. All I end up doing is making myself feel worse because unhealthy food does terrible things to my body. Case in point, right now I have swollen ankles, intestinal problems, and puffy face, all from a binge this weekend. I go through periods of dedication and motivation, and I am very strong with making good choices, then I get burned out on salad and fish, and I "eat whatever I want," because I can. I am usually dedicated to going to the gym or walking for weeks at a time, then my knee hurts or I am so exhausted from school, that I do what I have ALWAYS done- I try to ease the pain of being me by eating. I haven't been able to go to the gym like I used to because I work full time, and am taking 9 credit hours. Just walking has been agony until as of late. I am finally starting to walk 3 miles in an hour. It's depressing to me how much I used to run and how conditioned I was getting to be. I am very annoyed with the few trouble spots on my body, namely the "lumpy" sides of my outer thighs and my abdomen. I think about HOW I got to this size, weight, and body type, while I remember that I was 200 lbs just 2 years ago, so fluctuating between 155-160 is OK. I wish I could go back to the 140 lb me in 1999 and say, "HEY... do some exercise, lift weights, and eat better, because in 10 years, your body isn't gonna bounce back as easily."
The last few weeks have been especially hard, but nothing tops last Thursday when I blew my transmission. Unfortunately, my first reaction and action was to drown my sorrows in food and retail therapy. I still need to work on my coping skills. It's very hard to open up and be real about this, but if I lie in a blog, I am just lying to myself.
I am writing this as a bag of M&Ms sit on my desk. I am suffering from PMS and probably should just step away from the computer, but it is difficult, as writing has always been my outlet.
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